The Loved One’s Trap: Enabling the Problem Gambler

We all know the word “enable”, but it is not until you experience the impacts of a loved one’s addiction that you realize the true meaning of the word. As a loved one of a problem gambler, you can begin to understand the emotional, mental, and possible physical pain that their behaviors cause you. If you care for someone who suffers from gambling addiction, you will find how difficult it is to say no to them. You feel the desire to help them, yet this only causes them to continue the behavior and progress in their addiction. Despite your best intentions, this is not helping at all!

Disordered gambling works on the brain much like drugs and alcohol. The gambler truly is unable to control their behavior due to chemical changes happening inside his or her brain. The problem with that is as the gambler continues, they can get deeper and deeper in financial debt, pathological lying, and even legal problems. Much like someone who has become dependent on drugs or alcohol, the addicted gambler experiences anger, depression, irritability, cravings, and other withdrawal symptoms. It is not hard to imagine how the impacts of a gambling problem can create chaos for the loved one as well. They may also have a co-occurring problem, such as substance abuse together with disordered gambling, which further exacerbates the situation.

How “Doing the Right Thing” Becomes Enabling

You may think you are doing the right thing by lying for the gambler, paying the gambler’s bills, or lending him or her money. Don’t allow yourself to justify the gambler’s behavior. Don’t feel guilty or responsible for the gambler’s behavior, and do not let him or her put the blame on you. This is a disease that is attacking everyone involved, and it will take everyone to fight it off. Your way of taking part in a healing recovery is to avoid enabling.

Here are some examples of enabling. How many of these sound familiar?

• Keeping your feelings inside in order to avoid conflict
• Minimizing the situation and thinking, “it’s not that bad”
• Keeping secrets for the gambler to protect his or her image
• Bailing the gambler out financially or otherwise
• Avoiding the situation by escaping, through drinking alcohol or using drugs
• Trying to control how much the gambler spends and how much time they gamble
• Gambling with the gambler
• Denying that the gambler is lying to you

When Gambling Becomes a Problem: 888-ADMIT-IT

You may be at a loss for how you can help them, and that’s okay. Have you thought about helping yourself? If you are nervous, confused, or just don’t know where to turn to get support, call or text the Florida HelpLine at 888-ADMIT-IT any time of day or night and have a supportive conversation with a Specialist who understands problem gambling and most importantly, your experience as a loved one. Contacting the 888-ADMIT-IT HelpLine is the quickest way to get connected to a wide variety of resources tailored to loved ones impacted by disordered gambling. Plus, it’s completely free, confidential, and offers multilingual service.

The 888-ADMIT-IT HelpLine has hundreds of resources available for the gambler as well, but you must first find help for yourself to understand what you’re up against. Resources you can receive through the HelpLine, such as the FCCG’s A Chance for Change Workbooks, self-help support groups, counseling services, and others will help you learn about gambling disorder and the approaches you can take as a loved one to be able to someday fight the addiction together as a team. For the gambler, the reality is that he or she has to be the one who decides to make a change, and this may never happen if you continue to enable or bail them out.

You may already realize that approaching the topic with the gambler can quickly turn into a tense situation. Domestic violence and mental or physical abuse can be an unfortunate reality with problem gambling. If you become threatened with personal harm, call 911 immediately and leave the premises if possible. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, the Florida Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-500-1119, and the Florida Abuse Hotline is 1-800-962-2873 – all are available 24/7.^{1, 2, 3}

1. “Safety and Protection.” Florida Department of Children and Families, www.myflfamilies.com/services/abuse, Accessed 4 Sept. 2024.
2. “Domestic Violence.” Florida Department of Children and Families, https://www.myflfamilies.com/services/abuse/domestic-violence, Accessed 4 Sept. 2024.
3. “National Domestic Violence Hotline.” The Hotline, National Domestic Violence Hotline, 4 Jun. 2024, www.thehotline.org/.